Breaking Free: How Kimberly Escaped Domestic Violence to Rebuild Her Life
Photo Credit: @nathananderson
My name is Kimberly. I moved to Colorado a year and a half ago from Alabama, bringing only what I could fit in my car. I had no plan, no job—just a desperate need to escape. During the cross-country drive with just my dog for company, I encountered trouble in Clayton, New Mexico. I was stranded for three days, staying at a Super 8 while my car broke down. I walked two miles through knee deep snow just to find a mechanic. After those grueling days, I finally made it to Colorado Springs.
Before leaving Alabama, I had arranged to rent a small room from two women I found on Facebook Marketplace. I had never lived alone before. At 18, I married a man I had known since I was 16. I adored him and dreamt of a perfect life with a white picket fence. But reality was harsh. He was in the army, and after two deployments, I waited daily for his calls. I tried to be the ideal wife, but things changed quickly. He cheated on me repeatedly, though he tried to hide it. When I was 24, I discovered he had gotten another woman pregnant. That night was one of the worst of my life.
My sister and I had been out shopping for her birthday. She had just had my niece, and I needed a dress for a military ball. When we got home, I walked into the house to find all the lights off. I found my husband sitting in the dark with a candle lit, a bottle of Aristocrat, and a gun pointed straight at me. If my sister hadn’t been with me, he would have killed me. I was so infatuated with him that I thought he might be experiencing PTSD, so I removed all the guns from the house and took them to the neighbors. When I returned, I found my sister and my husband in my bedroom. My sister was crying, sitting on the edge of our bed and she stood up to tell me everything would be okay, that we would still be a family. She pushed me out of the room and closed the door in my face. Upset, I reopened the door and demanded to know what was happening. My husband told me he had gotten someone else pregnant. I was shattered—angry and confused. I slapped him across the face and asked him to leave. He responded by grabbing me by the neck, throwing me through a wall, body-slamming me onto the floor, choking me until I turned blue, all in front of my sister. My family was unaware of the abuse I had endured. He had used his military and federal connections to manipulate and control me. There were times during our marriage where he would tell me it wasn’t rape because we were married. It was that type of relationship.
That night, my father arrived just in time to help. My husband left, after my father got him away from me but that was only the beginning. The next day, he returned and convinced the neighbors, who didn’t know what had happened, to give him the guns back. He assaulted me again, this time in broad daylight. Two officers drove by and witnessed him holding me by my neck against his truck but only made him leave. It wasn’t the last I’d see of him. The following Monday, I learned he planned to withdraw all our money and move to Oklahoma with his mistress. I managed to withdraw all but $2,000 from our account and move the rest of it to another bank. I got a call from my neighbor about my husband screaming and yelling outside of my house. She informed the police. They found him inside the house, where he had kicked the door in and threatened to kill me to the officers. He was arrested but was back out in under 30 minutes. I felt anything but safe. Despite believing his promises to change throughout our marriage, the abuse continued, both verbal and physical.
By 25, I was divorced, embarrassed, and felt like a failure. I had lost my job and many friends, feeling like the black sheep. It took me about six months to regain my footing. One day I was asked out for a date, I was terrified, so I called my godmother for support. She encouraged me to go. I dated this new man for seven months, and he proposed. At 26, I was getting married for the second time. Initially, everything seemed great. He was charming and made me feel valued. However, things soon changed.
In 2018, my husband and his friend booked a cruise to Mexico. I had never been on a cruise, so I was unsure what to expect. An argument led to him cornering me in a closet and slamming me into two metal bars. We left the next day for that cruise. I covered the bruises with long sleeves and fake tanner while on the cruise. By late 2019, the situation worsened. I had a great job in respiratory sales until COVID hit, making my work extremely demanding. In February 2020, I faced profound personal losses: my grandmother passed away, and a childhood friend, Nick O’Rear, was killed in the line of duty as a police officer. When I told my husband about Nick’s death, he callously remarked, “You act like you guys had screwed or something,” which he said as I sat crying on the floor.
After Nick’s funeral, I had taken emergency custody of my niece and nephew from April to August. My husband’s drunken rage over my refusal to let him take my nephew go out on a four-wheeler ride at 10pm led me to realize our relationship was over. That night he slammed me on our front porch and when I got up, I looked over and saw the terror in my niece and nephews’ eyes. I contacted my attorney the next day and returned them to their parents, as it was no longer safe at home and I did not want them seeing me in that light.
In 2021, I discovered my dream home was in foreclosure due to missed payments. My husband dismissed my concerns, insisting I was mistaken. I managed to save the house from foreclosure but decided to file for divorce not long after this. After months of negotiation, I paid him $20,000 to leave. I had to sell my house, tractor, equipment, car, and truck. Everything I worked so hard for. Things that made me who I was. I moved into a tiny apartment downtown. I took a leave of absence from my job, struggling to fully commit during such a turbulent time. During my leave the company I worked for actually hired my ex-husband he became the new sales rep at my job, and my clients moved their business elsewhere, not trusting him or the company.
During this period, I met someone new. He seemed supportive, was sweet, kind, gentle, understanding. I gave into him and even helped him relocate to Columbus, Georgia. However, while I was in California visiting friends, he cheated on me with a woman from Texas. He was also highly jealous, tracking my every move and breaking into my home. After discovering that he had put a tracker on my car, I reported him to the police. I moved in with my best friend, who, along with his family, showed me what genuine love and support look like. Southern Christian values.
My friend and his family were my lifeline. Without them, I wouldn’t have made it. Two years ago, on my birthday (August 23) I reached my lowest point, contemplating ending my life. All because that person knew exactly what to say and how to get in my head. But I had my dog, Ruger, to care for. After taking a bottle of pills, I sent a message to a friend asking her to check on Ruger the next day. That message saved my life. My friend showed up at my house with my dad in the next room. Telling him something was wrong demanding to see me. They found me passed out and overdosed. Again, I was ashamed, confused, and did not see any point of living. I was tired. I was tired of starting over. I had moved 6 times in one year. To get away from that boyfriend. What was wrong with me?
Two months later, my friend and I flew to Colorado, spending a month here before returning briefly and then driving back with Ruger. We spent Christmas and New Year’s in an Airbnb. The time in Colorado opened my eyes and gave me clarity. But not too much. After returning to Alabama I actually went back to that boyfriend and moved back in. Because I did think I had anywhere else to go. He never changed after all the false promises, the lies, you name it I believed everything. On February 13, 2023, I packed up and left for good, telling only my friend the only friend I had left. I drove until I couldn’t drive anymore. I slept in church parking lots. Checking in with him along the way.
Being alone has been challenging, but I’ve learned that it’s okay to depend on myself. I remember one night during my first few weeks here; I had this craving fried chicken and a milkshake. I felt a newfound sense of freedom and empowerment. For the first time in my adult life, I didn’t need permission or validation to walk out the door. I just left with Ruger and drove. It was like something big had happened like I did something bad but in a good way. I shared this feeling with my friend, realizing how profound it was. He of course laughed because all he wants is me to be happy, and love myself.
Today, I spend much of my time with Ruger. We explore, go for walks, and he highly enjoys swimming and paddleboarding. I met a wonderful woman who has become more of a mother to me than I ever had. She is my mentor and friend, helping me start my own photography business and chase dreams. I've worked with corporations, have been published multiple times, and rediscovered my passion for capturing moments of happiness.
Although I suffer from anxiety, depression, night terrors, and panic attacks daily. Gone through therapy at an enormous rate of cost. I am still fighting every day. To find peace. I share my stories openly in hopes that it will help someone else.
My thought is that if my story and life can impact someone else’s then maybe that is purpose. Maybe my story can help someone else reach out and ask for help. Encourage them to talk to someone who will listen and maybe they too can find the courage to get away and know that there are people here that have been through it in similar ways. To know that they aren’t alone. Because I did not ask for help until it was almost too late. It is like a cat with 9 lives and I am just living. My only hope and dream is to be happy and surround myself with good people who genuinely care about each other.
Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it worth it? Yes. Yes, it is. I no longer care what others think. I do what makes me and Ruger happy. I have a life that is mine now at 35. Starting over, yet again. Except this time, it is my story, and I decide what chapter is next. That chapter has no one in it. Just Ruger and I on one epic adventure with all the up and downs. Knowing that we have a safe place to lay our head down at night, a bed to sleep in, and for the first time freedom is enough. One day I will regain what I lost, or I won’t and that’s ok. Because I am safe, and I am stronger. Every day is a challenge and I face it head on.
If I could reach back to the younger version of myself, I would have done things differently. I would have surrounded myself with better influences. I would have definitely joined the military like I wanted to. Gone to college that way instead of through a marriage. And not be such a rebel.
What is the biggest issue facing women today?
In this aspect of DV I think not knowing what is available for help. In Shelby County, AL they actually have the best resources and advocates for survivors. It is getting that information to them. When I talk to people about these situations one thing that not a lot of people understand is that when a woman or man picks up the phone to dial 911 that right there is courage. There should be an officer responding to that call with resources available and they should be able to talk to them and understand that was an act of courage. That was someone saying help me. That is the first step, it is actually saying I need help, and I don't know what to do.
My advice to anyone going through this is that it takes a lot of time and courage. There are resources out there and people willing to help but you have to say something. You can't force anyone to change or get out. They have to be ready. It took me years to realize that. It is like a drug we crave it. It is something that no one can do for you, it is something you have to be ready for. Ready to change your life for good. No one can change it for you. It is like jumping off a tight rope into a black hole. Where am I going from here? That is how I felt for the longest time. But it had to be my choice to leave each time and learn my patterns so that I could see them. Also, knowing my self-worth. I am worthy no man is in charge of my body, my mind, or my life anymore. If I want something I work harder for it. It is my decision to let someone in now. That is a big decision to make, and it can happen. But everyone, no matter what the situation is, has to make the decision on their own. Find your own path and set your goals. Be alone. Be afraid. Be shameful. It is normal. All the pain and suffering if you've been in a DV situation then you've already gone through the worst part. But if you can see that there is dim light it gets brighter.
Even on the darkest days. There is something that can make you shine.
